To continue or to officially “cut” my “relationship” to the guy whom I admire?
My crush for four f*cking years.
This might be the most challenging thing I’d ever write.
And the answer is… I really do not want to cut my relationship with him completely. Of course, it may sound biased, but let me tell you about my sentiments from the past.
I really hate the fact that I am going to do this all over and over again, but whenever I think about him, I go bipolar.
Whenever I think of him, I usually think that I am married towards him. However, whenever I think I really miss him, I usually cry, hiding my tears on the pillow. My parents do not even know my secret about him, or whatever. I really can’t tell them because I don’t want to disappoint them, telling that “he’s an asshole” because that happened in the past. I really do not know whether to just talk about him, or simply forget him, as if I do not know him.
Most of my former blogs contain about my feelings towards him. I always go bipolar whenever I think of him, some exaggerated admirations or even some rants against him. I still do not know if I’m still going to keep these blogs or simply forget them, like not using them anymore.
Past is past, so past is practice.
Like how I mentioned how I cut off my relationship with a know-it-all friend, I still do not know if I should apply the same to the guy whom I admired for four years. FOUR, as in FOUR consecutive years that I had an on-off infatuation with that guy. He was my second serious crush at school, actually. He was two year levels ahead of me. Our “friendship” was very short. I was desperate. I would always have contact with his friends, who are my friends at school. Of course, I wouldn’t consider them as “best-est” friends since I believe that “best friends” should be specific. You CAN have more than one best friend, but make sure that it won’t follow “permanent interests theory.”
He wasn’t really that guy whom I expected to be
I really do not know how to start this thing. Maybe it’s because I really do not feel it, or maybe because I feel too lazy to write it down. I simply go bipolar when I see him, and yes, I have to admit that I treated him like a celebrity in my whole entire life. If he isn’t the same level as Piolo Pascual in star level or the late AJ Perez in terms of classical good looks (don’t argue, I really do not get sick and tired to see his face, just after he passed away), he might have been the ideal guy whom I’m looking for. Ideal? Not so. He is always telling me that he doesn’t do vices, but on the end, the opposite happened. I was bipolar-ly happy at first (that I saw him doing a vice and proving that he’s not wrong after all) but I was really disappointed. I cried again (drama).
Fearless Forecast: I hate to admit it, but…
He seems to be mad at the world (galit sa mundo) as if he wants the world to end right away whenever I post something good or bad. He usually rants out with no sense at all. He is doing this for his own satisfaction. The last time that he was doing this to me when I joked about his (I mean, OUR) school. That time, I really didn’t have the knowledge of what the school is all about.
He was too defensive… not until there came a time that he wanted the fight to stop.
The other thing… he was actually sending me messages about ME as a “desperate, retarded stalker.”
I was thinking about a tactic just to stop him.
There finally came to the point that he said, “You won.”
Was he giving me concessions? Or was he really tired about “fighting” only for his own satisfaction?
He did the same crap all over again until I ranted out, “Do not expect me to forgive you (like what you said before).”
I was in a depression stage that time when I was being slammed for “slacking off because of him.” Well, that time I was still in the identity crisis period. He may or may not know it, but I do not communicate much with my original blockmates.
He said, “Do you have ‘friends’ in your block?”
I know that was him, ok?
To be honest, I really don’t want to talk about it. I wanted to keep silent about it, or rather tell him, “Next senseful question please?”
He was actually ranting for his own satisfaction.
He would usually start a “fight” without any sense at all.
But then, I started to move on with those things.
Moving on to start a new life without a “crush”
Will I still consider him as a part of my life? Of course, not to the extent that I’ll consider him as part of family or whatsoever. Anyways, I really can live without him, anyway. There are some people who support me whenever there are still circumstances that are blocking off my way.
What if I never ever knew him?
That would be good news, but that was during the time I have to recover from the aftermath that happened to me during first year high school. Like what I mentioned before, if I didn’t met the “homewrecker” that I’ve mentioned, no, not even a single disaster would occur. If I never met him, I would’ve not been in my dream school. If I met him (but had no interest in knowing him), much better. I would simply know him as “that upperclassman.”
It’s really hard to understand what’s on his mind. If the homewrecker didn’t came into my life, my friendship with my second serious crush during my days in my former second home would be growing more, and I would still have the freedom to greet him whenever I see him. I would always say, “Hi,” or “Hello.” Well, like what I said a while ago, past is past. Nothing will happen if you depend the future on the past. But anyways, if the homewrecker was never a part of my life EVER, I would’ve continued a growing friendship with him, actually.
Update: I might’ve not even bother to download and play his favorite online game, which is now obsolete. That’s the only reason why we fought, involving the homewrecker. Rather than to give me (or US, that’s me and that guy FYI) a second chance, she even made it worse by putting him away from me, thus making me think that she’s up to something really fishy. I was right, lately. If she thought that she is doing this for my own good (and for our own good), truth is, she is doing this to save face. She doesn’t want any responsibility that awaits her… if she would take those things, I think she would take those responsibilities, she’d take it for granted, granted that my friendship with that guy whom I admire for four years will continue… until the end.
Like what I said before, the homewrecker deserves her codename.
I felt satisfied after I did something secret. (evil laugh lawwwwwlz)
Off-topic: Yes, I’m still having a chance! Sorry if I disappointed my “mentor” for slacking off hehehe. Anyways, this time I won’t shit out. EVER.
Forget about him
Yes, and that empowered me to forget about that guy because I was thinking that I’m taking shiz for granted. Just like how my other mentor told about me. GAH don’t take things for granted, and to roxyisferox, I would be wanting for more posts regarding showbiz. Just comment if you want. xD